PERFECT IMPERFECTION
Accepting each other just
as we are with all our faults and shortcomings has got to be one
of the hardest lessons to learn in life. It is no doubt one of
the biggest factors in broken relationships and the high divorce
rate. We see things in others we think need fixing and when we
set out to do that we invariably run into trouble. We often find
ourselves attracted to others for the very fact that they are
different than we are. Why, then, do we want to change them to
suit our ideas of what they should be?
An example of this has
come up for me on several occasions in my associations. I have
severe crippling from Rheumatoid Arthritis and often I find that
some people are uncomfortable when they look at my hands and fingers.
They usually don't say anything, but they have a look of discomfort
in their eyes, and when I catch them staring, they quickly look
away. When we are constantly bombarded through the media with
images of beautiful people with perfect bodies, that becomes the
criteria we judge others by, as well as ourselves. Anything that
falls too far short of that "ideal" can cause extreme
discomfort in some people.
I was having dinner with
a woman I had known since high school when she said to me, "I
know this doctor who could fix your hands so no one would know
there was anything wrong with you." After I got over the
shock of her bluntness, I attempted to explain to her that I had
already seen many doctors regarding corrective surgery and that
I had, in fact, undergone very painful surgery to put in artificial
joints that had not proven very successful. I also tried to enlighten
her knowledge of my disease, but she really wasn't listening because
this wasn't about helping me, it was about her own discomfort
with the effects of my disease. She wanted me to "look right"
so she would feel better. I don’t fault her for this. I
have found myself looking at people who have deformities, sometimes
like my own, and I have caught myself thinking, "Oh, that
poor soul, how unfortunate."
This reminds me of a story
I heard Bree Walker, the beautiful T.V. Anchorwoman, tell. Bree
was born with club hands and feet, but her parents had taught
her that she could be anything and do anything she chose to do
in life, in spite of this seeming "handicap." One day,
as she was riding the subway, she noticed a woman staring at her
hands in horror. When she looked at the woman, the woman remarked.
"My, what a shame! And you are such a beautiful young thing
too." Bree had grown up not feeling sorry for herself and
she shot right back at the woman. "Oh, and would it make
you feel better if I had been born ugly too?" I loved hearing
that story.
I remind myself that I,
along with everyone else, am in need of learning to first accept
myself just as I am, and then to accept others just where they
are, without needing for them to change in any way to meet my
pre-conceived expectations. This light of understanding has shown
me that the "patient on the operating table is myself."
By: Darlene Eberhardt
Written October 4, 1992