Darlene's Essays
 
A poem about an absent father
A Hobo Comes Home for Christmas
On dealing with life's unfairness
Caca Happens
On judging others
Judgment Day
On using others for our needs
In the Still of the Night
On accepting imperfections
Perfect-Imperfect
On finding courage to go on
  A Morning with Maya
On being honest with others
Do Only What You Want To Do
On knowing yourself fully
Help Me Make It Through the Night
Finding courage for the unknown
Open Gates
On dealing with depression
Pull the Covers Back Over Your Head
On dealing with control issues
Script Writing
Saying Goodbye to a Companion
Star Jasmine
On taking personal responsibility
Thanks Seattle
Reflections on time and timing
What Time is it, Anyway?
A poem on the journey of life
The Journey

[more essays to come...]
A life-lesson on accepting the imperfections of others

 

PERFECT IMPERFECTION

Accepting each other just as we are with all our faults and shortcomings has got to be one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. It is no doubt one of the biggest factors in broken relationships and the high divorce rate. We see things in others we think need fixing and when we set out to do that we invariably run into trouble. We often find ourselves attracted to others for the very fact that they are different than we are. Why, then, do we want to change them to suit our ideas of what they should be?

An example of this has come up for me on several occasions in my associations. I have severe crippling from Rheumatoid Arthritis and often I find that some people are uncomfortable when they look at my hands and fingers. They usually don't say anything, but they have a look of discomfort in their eyes, and when I catch them staring, they quickly look away. When we are constantly bombarded through the media with images of beautiful people with perfect bodies, that becomes the criteria we judge others by, as well as ourselves. Anything that falls too far short of that "ideal" can cause extreme discomfort in some people.

I was having dinner with a woman I had known since high school when she said to me, "I know this doctor who could fix your hands so no one would know there was anything wrong with you." After I got over the shock of her bluntness, I attempted to explain to her that I had already seen many doctors regarding corrective surgery and that I had, in fact, undergone very painful surgery to put in artificial joints that had not proven very successful. I also tried to enlighten her knowledge of my disease, but she really wasn't listening because this wasn't about helping me, it was about her own discomfort with the effects of my disease. She wanted me to "look right" so she would feel better. I don’t fault her for this. I have found myself looking at people who have deformities, sometimes like my own, and I have caught myself thinking, "Oh, that poor soul, how unfortunate."

This reminds me of a story I heard Bree Walker, the beautiful T.V. Anchorwoman, tell. Bree was born with club hands and feet, but her parents had taught her that she could be anything and do anything she chose to do in life, in spite of this seeming "handicap." One day, as she was riding the subway, she noticed a woman staring at her hands in horror. When she looked at the woman, the woman remarked. "My, what a shame! And you are such a beautiful young thing too." Bree had grown up not feeling sorry for herself and she shot right back at the woman. "Oh, and would it make you feel better if I had been born ugly too?" I loved hearing that story.

I remind myself that I, along with everyone else, am in need of learning to first accept myself just as I am, and then to accept others just where they are, without needing for them to change in any way to meet my pre-conceived expectations. This light of understanding has shown me that the "patient on the operating table is myself."

 

By: Darlene Eberhardt
Written October 4, 1992

 

 

 

 

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