DO ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
A friend taught
me a good lesson recently. It was a difficult lesson for me and
involved some hurt feelings on my part, but I came through the
pain of the learning process and was able to see the light.
Have you ever gotten into a situation where everything seemed
to be going along so well between you and another person and then,
Boom! A big blowup you didn’t understand? In my case it
went like this: I had recently moved and had met a new friend
who had become very attentive and helpful to me, doing all sorts
of odd jobs around the house that were difficult for me. It was
almost overwhelming that he was so willing to be there for me.
I found myself becoming relaxed and comfortable in his presence
and it seemed as though we had known each other longer than we
actually had. So far I had seen only his “good moods.”
It happened that he owned a rental house near me. One day, as
I was driving by, I saw him in the yard so I stopped to ask him
about a project he had been helping me with. I undoubtedly caught
him in one of his “less than good moods!” He blew
up and in a very angry tone of voice growled. “Look, I’ve
got my hands full with my own problems and can’t worry about
yours!.” I was stunned. It wasn’t the words so much,
although they were blunt, but the tone of his voice that got to
me. It took me right back to my childhood when my mother or someone
else in authority scolded me severely. I was six years old again.
I slunk away and spent the next few hours licking my wounds and
feeling extremely hurt. I went through thoughts like, Well, if
that’s the way you want to be, I’ll never ask you
for anything again,!” and “What a grouch you are –
who needs you for a friend?!”
The next day, when I awoke, I spent my usual time in early morning
meditation, a routine that had become very valuable to me in coping
with day to day pressures. I asked that the bad thoughts I had
for this man be taken away from me, even though I still felt he
had been rude and his bad manners needed improvement. Then it
came to me that he had only expressed what he felt at the time,
in that moment. He was being true to himself and his own needs.
In our society manners are often based on denial of our own needs
or wishes. We often do something to please others at the expense
of ourselves. My friend was not giving in to external procedure
at the expense of denying himself. We tend to think we are being
selfish if we express what we really think or feel to someone,
but the truth is, if we are not doing what we truly want to be
doing, it is not right for us to be doing it. We are not meant
to overpower one another. My friend taught me that I could choose
to look at the situation in another way. I could see it as a misperception
that he was being rude or unkind by refusing to become involved
in my concerns just because the timing was right for me. At that
moment his thoughts were on his own problems which I was not privy
to. Would I want him to be doing something he really did not want
to be doing anyway? Of course not!
I chose to release my judgment that I must deny a part of myself
in order to display unselfishness towards others. What I had labeled
“bad manners” or “rudeness” on his part,
I now saw as his being true to his own needs and giving them precedence
over mine. Think about it next time someone is engaging you in
a long conversation that may be boring you, for example. Instead
of feeling obligated to stand there and listen or engage in responding
when what you really want is to be somewhere else, think about
telling them that you need to end the conversation and why. It
may surprise them or you may have a hard time because you have
been taught that this is impolite, but you also stand a chance
of having their respect because you were honest with them. The
fact is, if that person becomes upset they are denying you your
personal power. Do you really want to hang around with someone
who would expect that of you? Remember, there is an abundance
of freedom and power available to everyone, and we don’t
need to deny ourselves to take advantage of that abundance.
Essay by: Darlene Eberhardt, Aug. 27, 1992
